


And Yet I Still Love You

by EwDontTouchMe



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Based on a Tumblr Post, Guys seriously if you're easily triggered or anything you shouldn't read, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of very graphic abuses, Name of your love/enemy on your wrist, Oops, Sad, Soooo much angst and sadness, Why cant I write happy stuff, fluff too though, i made myself cry writing this, like super sad, why am i like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 11:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6193240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EwDontTouchMe/pseuds/EwDontTouchMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's this theory that your enemy's name is imprinted on the inside of your right arm, and your soul mate's on your left. And I never understood why I had the name "Daniel" sketched into the skin on both wrists.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Yet I Still Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags guys. If you're not into angsty, depressing tales of love and pain, then this story is not for you. That's okay though, go read something that makes you do the smiley emote instead of being cry.

There's this theory that your enemy's name is imprinted on the inside of your right arm, and your soul mate's on your left. But you see, this theory is flawed. What it doesn't tell you is how that's extremely incorrect. It's different for everyone, your precious love's name may be on the right. And you never have a way of learning which is which, until the end. And to me, that's a very depressing concept.

This concept also isn't very detailed. It is just said to be "enemy" and "Love or soul mate". It doesn't tell you about how the enemy could be yourself because the only thing breaking you down at night is yourself. It doesn't tell you about how the love of your life could be yourself due to either amazing self confidence or you're just an arrogant asshole.

All my life I've received looks full of pity or disgust, and I never understood why. I never understood why I had the name "Daniel" sketched into the skin on both wrists.

The little boy I was was concerned and scared of the fact that his name lay on both wrists when other kids has two different names or no names at all. Only now do I understand that no names at all is truly the saddest situation of them all.

I remember when I first met Daniel. He was a charmer, naturally. He had these beautiful brown eyes and dimples that drove you mad. He had such a great sense of humor and a deep heart, he had a thoughtful and precise brain and had scarred knuckles.

Back then, his mouth was sweet and my favorite taste. But now, his lips were laced with whiskey and cigarettes. His voice used to be so gentle it could lull me to sleep for eternities. Now, it was rough and loud and mean. 

I miss my old Daniel.

...

I stared up at the ceiling not daring ti move a muscle in fear of Dan waking up. Last night was the best night we've had in what felt like centuries. It was like a blast from the past, my old Dan was back in my arms again. The only thing that was keeping my naive mind and all my hopes and dreams of old Dan coming back at bay was the stench of cigarettes that danced all over his body.

I loved him, I truly did. He was my sunshine, and he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. But it just so happens that he is also the shadow on the moon, that he is the nightmares dragging me into my own pool of blood and self-hatred.

I studied him as he slept, and it was so peaceful that I almost wept. This Dan wouldn't hit me. This Dan wouldn't force me into things if I wasn't ready or touch me when I didn't want to be touched. This Dan wouldn't put out his cigarette on my flesh. This Dan wouldn't throw glasses at me, or call me hurting names, or cause me to bleed and cry. This sleeping, peaceful Dan would be nice to me even when he wasn't drunk. He'd be patient, and understanding, and back to my old sweet teddybear.

I kissed his forehead and stared ahead, scared of what was going to happen when he woke.

...

He was in the shower as I was making pancakes for breakfast, humming a soft rhythm. I expected for him to come out soaking wet in a towel and order for me to bend over, but to my surprise he came to the kitchen in his soft pyjamas and linked his arms around my waist. He kissed my shoulder sweetly and nuzzled his face in to my neck.

"I've been mean to you..." he whispered into my skin. I turned around and put my arms around him, hugging his body closer to mine, completely forgetting about our pancakes.

"Its okay, baby." I told him, kissing his forehead. Deep down, I knew how fucked up this truly was. I should hate him for all the awful things he's done to me, but I cant hate him. I love him with my entire heart.

"Phil, I need to treat you better." He murmured. "I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you. You don't do those type of things to the person you love more than anything else. Phil, I'd die for you a million times."

"I know, bear. But it's okay, none of those things matter now. I love you so much, Dan. And I forgive you." I say softly before slowly kissing his poisoned lips. He smiled and kissed me back.

It was a short, sweet kiss, like the ones we used to have. As he pulled back, he smiled shyly and whispered, "You should finish those pancakes and then come back to bed." He said with a sinful smile. I laughed as he walked back to the bedroom.

...

As I walked in the bedroom, he was smiling and cuddling my stuffed lion I kept beside my bed. I was expecting some rough foreplay and other exhausting activites, but Dan shook his head. He made grabby hands at me, and I layed next to him in bed. He turned around so I would spoon him, and he grabbed my hand and held it tenderly. He traced his name gently in my skin and kissed it oh so softly. 

One thing that both angered and broke Dan was that his name was on both of my wrists. He was my love and my enemey. He was my happiness and he was my bitterness. He was my life, and he'll be the death of me.

We were both silent as he traced his name repeatedly, caressing softly. This was the softest he's touched me in so long, I forgot what it felt like to actually welcome his touch. 

"I love you, Phillip." Dan whispered into the silent air between us. He flipped over so he could study my face, and only then did I realize that he was crying. I wiped away his tears carefully, never breaking my gaze from his face. He cupped my jaw and brought my lips to his slowly, and kissing me so softly it was like kissing a cloud.

I broke away and rested my forehead against his. "I love you too, Daniel. And I always will."

...

It's been days since our sweet silence, yet it seemed like it's been eternities. Dan was mad at me, for what, I'll never know. Probably just for being alive.

I peeked into the kitchen, and breathed a sigh of relief seeing it was empty. I really didn't want to bother him today. He was having such a bad day and I didn't want to make it worse.

I snuck in quietly to pour myself some cereal, and made double sure that it was indeed my cereal. I didn't want to risk taking Dan's, not today.

I sat at the table and ate breakfast cautiously, my eyes darting in every direction in search of Dan's angry eyes.

As Dan walked into the kitchen, I nearly jumped out of my seat. He glanced at me and made a disgusted sound. I know he was just cranky, but I hated him on these days. He made me feel like such shit and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

I stared into my bowl of cereal, not daring to look up at him. I heard him reach into our cupboard filled specifically with alcohol, and I glanced up at him as he chugged nearly half a bottle of Jack Daniels.

He caught me watching him and he made another disgusted sound. "Are you not even going to say hello to me, dear?" He asked loudly. I flinched and mentally prepared myself for the worst.

"I'm sorry, my love. How's your morning going?" I asked him as sweetly and tenderly as I could muster. I really didn't want to upset him any further.

"Peachy, Phil. Except for the fact that your sitting on your fat ass while I actually do some work." He spit in the sink and downed some more whiskey. 'And what work is that, exactly?' I wanted to ask him, but I bit my tongue.

"I'm just having some breakfast, love. I haven't eaten all day." I said innocently.

"Maybe you should do that more often. You're getting fat, Phillip." He barked bitterly. I felt myself choke up but I forced myself to hold it back. I wouldn't let him see me cry.

"Okay, baby. I'll start getting back to shape." My voice sounded shaky and scared, even to me.

"Are you scared, Phil?" He paused and came to sit next to me at the table. "I'm not gonna hurt you..." He murmured softly. I stared down to my half empty bowl of cereal, holding back my words and my tears. He gripped my jaw and yanked it up so I would look at him, and that was when I nearly broke. Looking into those warm brown eyes I once fell in love with now ablaze with anger.

After a few more seconds of looking at my face, he shoved it back in disgust. I shrank in my chair and tried to disappear. My appetite has vanished.

"What? Is little piggy not gonna eat when I'm around?" He mocked. Agonizing silence. "Well, c'mon. Eat." More silence. "Dammit Phil! Eat!" He screamed in my face, swiping the bowl to the floor.

The glass bowl shattered, sending glass everywhere. A few thick pieces drove themselves into my foot, causing me to gasp in pain. I bit back my tears and stared at the blood that was pooling around my foot.

Dan snickered bitterly. He crept up close to my ear and said, "Better clean that up. I want it gone before I come back." He shoved me to the ground and I fell in the glass, milk, and soggy pieces of cereal. 

He stormed out of the kitchen and I finally let my tears fall freely. My foot, knees, and hands were all a bloody mess, and there in agonizing pain. I stifled the sobs that wanted to break free from my throat and lungs. I tried to sweep up the glass and mop up the milk, but my blood and the pain was making cleanup a little harder.

Dan waltzed back into the kitchen with a giant grin on his face. My stomach dropped to between my knees. That wasn't the grin of Dan. That grin was the grin of the madman Dan has become.

"God, Phil. You truly are pathetic." He walked around me, admiring my cleaning job. Blood was smearing all over the floor, mixing with milk and soggy pieces once identified as cereal but now were just soggy chunks. "Well, since you can't listen to directions properly, maybe I should help you out." He yanked me up by my hair and threw me against the refrigerator, I hit my head against the hard surface and saw black for a moment. I stifled a groan and held up my arms in a desperate attempt for protection. Dan always hated when I did that. Dan marched towards me and punched me in the face a few times, making the blackness in my vision grow.

He grabbed my hair and threw me to the halfway cleaned cereal mess (and thank God I got all the glass pieces off the ground). He grabbed my hair and bashed my head against the floor a good several times until I thought I was going to black out.

"Maybe next time you'll do as you're told the first time. Now, Phil, clean up this mess." He spit bitterly in my ear and stood up. He drove his foot into my ribs a few times for a good measure.

I felt darkness close around me as I gasped for air. Blood was rushing out of my body in so many different places. The pain was so extreme that it felt like death was pulling me into the shadows.

And I was happy for death. I pleaded for death. Because maybe death would be better than another day with the love of my life.

...

When I woke up, all I saw was white. I panicked and tried to wake myself more, as if I was just trapped in this blankness.

I heard some voices whispering in the whiteness, and I felt fear wash over me. It was all registered now. I was in a hospital, it had that cleanly scent mixed with death and pain. 

My eyes focused and I saw the tan ceiling of my room, the lights bright. "Oh my! He's waking up!" I heard a women's voice crack and start crying as someone grabbed my hand tenderly, tracing delicate shapes into my skin.

I looked around my room and saw PJ, one of my best friends in the world. He was smiling brightly but his eyes were concerned and tearing up. I saw a nurse with short blonde hair smiling patiently at me. And finally, I saw my mom. I felt tears form at my eyes as I stared at her. 

"Oh my goodness, Phillip. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I remember how in love with Dan you used to be. If it weren't for PJ--" She trailed off, mumbling as tears ran down her face.

Dan. The last thing I remember was him whispering in my ear. And pain, I remember the pain I felt that felt eternal. 

"PJ?" I glanced at him as he walked closer to me. He grabbed my other hand and bit back tears.

"Yeah, mate. I found you lying in... in your apartment and Dan was nowhere to be seen." He swallowed and looked down. "Police are looking everywhere for him, but no one can find him. But trust me Phil, you will get justice against him."

But what if I don't want justice? What if I just want him to return home and hold me like before?

"He'll never hurt you again." PJ said matter-of-factly.

But truth is, what if I wanted him to? Because that was the only physical contact I got with him? Why do I still love him even though he's nearly killed me?

Looks like I'm even more fucked up than originally planned.

...

It's been days, but I'm finally getting released from the hospital. There were a few police officers at me and Dan's flat as I packed my things to move out. 

It was hard, and heartbreaking, and I wanted nothing more than to just curl up in bed next to the man I love the most.

I finally got all my things packed up and headed over to my mother's house. As soon as I got there, she hugged me for a good 2 minutes, telling me how much she loved me and how brave I was.

I settled into my old room and layed on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Dan used to break into this room to see me, but that seemed like eternities ago. 

Slowly, day started to fade into dusk and I felt myself drifting into unconsciousness. I was so close to the sweet bliss of sleep until something knocked on my window, I froze in fright. I didn't know what to do or what to say to him. Because I knew it was him, and he knew I'd be here. He's here to apologize and take me back into his arms, and he's here because he knows I'll fall for that same death trap over and over again.

Shakily, under the covers, I dialed 911. I felt tears start falling down my cheeks as I whispered my information to the police. Dan knocked on my window again and I felt my heart break with the realization of what I was doing washing over me.

I told the operator my address and ended the call. Police will be here soon. I shakily got up and walked to the window, not opening it at first, just studying my love I was betraying through the glass. He smiled softly, and I closed my eyes and counted to three. 

One.

Two.

Three. "Hello Dan." I whispered to him softly, my voice cracking in fear and pain. I rubbed my hands together and felt the urgent soreness. 

'Remember Phil. Remember all the bad. He isn't good for you. Not anymore.' I told myself in my head, taking a deep breath.

"Phil..." Dan breathed. He reached in the house and stroked my cheek ever so softly. "I'm so sorry... I- I can't believe I did this to you..." He stuttered and looked like he was about to cry. "Give me your hand, my life." He said gently, and I gave him my hand hesitantly.

He traced over the numerous cuts and kissed each one tenderly. I saw a flash of lights in the distance and took another deep breath.

"Come with me, Phil. I can't do this on my own."

"No, Dan. I can't. I can't keep crawling back to you when all you do is hurt me." I said steadily as I felt tears fall calmly down my face. Dan looked utterly shocked. His mouth was agape and his eyebrows knit together. Even now, in the moonlight, he was still beautiful.

"Phil, c'mon. You can't be serious. I don't hurt you, you did that to yourself. You deserved it, and I was just---"

"Hold it! Put your hands in the air! You are surrounded!" Dan was interrupted by the brutal voice of a police officer yelling into a megaphone. 

Dan stared at me, studying me, possibly for the last time. He slowly rose his arms in the air and stared at me in disbelief. "Phil..." He murmured, confused.

"I'm sorry Daniel, but it's time for you to leave." I said shakily as tears fell fast down my cheeks. 

I closed my window and turned my back as Dan was handcuffed, still with that betrayed and confused look on his face. Soon, they were dragging him to the police car as he was kicking and screaming my name. 

I slipped under my covers, threw the blankets over my head, and sobbed my lungs out. I knew this was for the best, but it still hurt. It hurt worse than a million shards of glass shoved into both hands.

I sobbed until nothing came out except for my mismatched breaths. Finally, I was away from the tormented shadow. I was free from the scent of alcohol and cigarettes lingering on my skin after we cuddled. 

I was free from Dan, and nothing really mattered anymore. My second half has been taken away, for better or for worse. And forever after would I have to bare his name written in my skin, and my name would forever haunt him and his mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.


End file.
